FINAL FANTASY 7 : SCREWED UP!
by Sephiroths-luver7
Summary: Enter the parallel world of Final Fantasy 7! Where Yuffie is obessed with her shuriken, Cid watches scary movies, Sephiroth hits on Tifa, and much more! PLease R&R! NO FLAMES!
1. RETURN OF THE LIVING AERIS

Return of the Living  
AERIS!!!  
  
(Cloud and his friends are on their way to the Ancient City, where Aeris is and where Sephiroth waits.)  
  
Cid: Ok, why the hell are we going after Aeris again!? (*I hate Aeris! * note from me)  
  
Cloud: I've been over this, Sephiroth is there. Duh! Did you think I was coming to rescue Aeris?! (His companions shook their heads and walked off down the path and into the dwelling of the house near the sea)  
  
Yuffie: How pretty!! (Vincent huffs at the sight of the house and turns away)  
  
Barret: Whut? That junky old house?! (The house did look kinda trashy) Man, I betcha Aeris is there! (Tifa and Yuffie walk in without the boys)  
  
Guys: Hey! Wait a minute!! (they ran after the girls and enter the house. Inside was a staircase leading to a dark abyss. Tifa walks over near the stairs, Cloud approaches her )  
  
Cloud: Tifa, why are you so quiet? (Tifa looks up to him with sad eyes)  
  
Tifa: Do you, like Aeris .. a lot?  
  
Cloud: Hell no! I told you I need to find Sephiroth, that's got nothing to do with Aeris!! (Tifa nodded and turned away) Red: Cloud, I think these stairs lead somewhere... (He looked down)  
  
Cid: No way! I've seen this before! The good guys go down into the basement, where it's all dark and creepy and then .....!  
  
Everyone: Cid!!!! Shut up! (Cid shut his mouth)  
  
Barret: Well, someone go down there.  
  
Cait Sith : Why don't you Barret, you're tough! (Barret got pissed and threatened to push Cait Sith down the stairs)  
  
Barret: Oh look, Cait Sith is volunteering to go! (Cait Sith shrieked)  
  
Vincent: Shut up both of you, I'll go (He walked down the stairs)  
  
Cid: That guy scares me... almost as much as Michael Myers.... (shudder)  
  
Cloud: Lets follow him, he might get lost.... (Him and the others run down the stairs and bump into Vincent)  
  
Vincent: what the hell?! I'm going by myself!  
  
Cloud: No way! I gotta score to settle with Sephiroth!  
  
Tifa: Me too...  
  
Yuffie: Well I gotta score to settle with Aeris, she tried to steal my shuriken!! (Everyone stared at her like she was crazy)  
  
Vincent: All right fine (they continue walking until they reach the Crystal City down below) Cait Sith: It's Disney Land!!! (he rubs his chin) I knew it! The Cetra are creating copies of Disney Land, so Gold Saucer can go out of business!!  
  
Red: This is not Disney Land! Where's Mickey Mouse and Goofy?!  
  
Tifa: Be quiet!! ( She spots Aeris kneeling down on a platform below) There she is! (Tifa runs down the fleet of stairs, the other following. They stopped and leaned against a wall while Clod continued on) (Aeris looked up and smiled at Cloud)  
  
Aeris: Did you come to save me?  
  
Cloud: ...No. (Cloud pulled out his sword) Where's Sephiroth? (Controlled by a strange force, Cloud began to lower his sword down near Aeris' neck)  
  
Everyone (except Vincent) : Go Cloud, Go Cloud, Go Cloud!! (just as the sword blade touched Aeris' neck, Sephiroth came from no where and drew his sword through her stomach.) (Cloud watched in aghast and lowered his head)  
  
Cloud: ...Damn you.... (He raised his head) I wanted to kill her! (Sephiroth laughed)  
  
Sephiroth: Nope, I got here first. ( The others raced to Cloud's side) I see you got your friends with you and Tifa ... (*note* Sephy likes Tifa)  
  
Tifa: Oh stop it all ready! (She stares at Aeris' body) Why didn't you just let Cloud kill her?  
  
Sephiroth: She was in my way.... That's why. Tifa: Excuses!! Sephiroth, I hate you more now!  
  
Sephiroth : (Shakes his head) Will I ever get to you Tifa?  
  
Cloud: Ok Sephiroth, you killed Aeris, but you're not going after Tifa!! I'm gonna fight you right here, right now!  
  
(Suddenly, Aeris comes back to life!!!)  
  
Aeris: Hehehe! DO you think you can get rid of me so easily? (she turns to Yuffie) Hey Yuffie, let me see your shuriken.  
  
Yuffie: No!! The evil returns!! She's of the living dead!  
  
Cid: Damn! I shouldn't have watched The Rocky Horror Show last night! (The party backs away in fear)  
  
Vincent: No way, (pulls out gun) I'm the only undead person here! (He shots her in the head)  
  
Tifa: Wow, Vincent (She fell in his arms) You're really strong.. (Sephiroth and Cloud stare in jealously)  
  
Cloud: Hey, hey ,hey! Enough with the flirting! (Tifa ignored him, Vincent nervously stood there holding Tifa in his arms)  
  
Sephiroth: ...Ok.... (He turns his back) We'll meet again (he glares at Cloud and his friends) and I'll see you again Tifa (she ignored him) (Discouraged, Sephiroth disappears)  
  
Yuffie: My Shuriken is safe once again, thanks to Cloud and Friends!!!  
  
Cloud: Shut up Yuffie!! (he sighs) Tifa and me made a good couple....  
  
Yuffie: Lalalala shuriken lalala shuriken!  
  
(So Aeris has been killed, but will Cloud defeat Sephiroth? Will Cloud get Tifa back, or will Sephiroth get her first?! And is Aeris gone for good?!)  
  
Aeris (back from the dead) : I don't think so... Hahaha, hehehe! (preppy laugh)  
  
The End of Chapter 1!!! The next one is called "Eight Ways of Torture," Where Cloud plots his revenge after his party falls asleep during his lectures!! Please continue reading!!  
  
NOTE!! *I know this is far in the game, but this is where I started! I do hate Aeris (no offence to anyone) and I like Tifa!!! (She's cool) But in this story, I like to pick on everyone! (It's fun...)  
  
Thank you for reading the random things that go on in my mind!!! 


	2. EIGHT WAYS OF TORTURE

Eight Ways of

Torture

Chapter 2!!

THE HORROR!! 

(After confronting Sephiroth at the Forgotten Capital, Cloud and his friends go to Ghost Hotel in Gold Saucer)

Barret: Why the hell did we meet up here?! The only person that likes it here is Vincent!! (Vincent aims his gun at Barret's head, Barret nervously inched away) And why is Aeris' skinny ass self here?! (Aeris starts to poke the hanged man at the desk)

Cloud: Guys listen, no complaining!! (everyone assembles ) So far, we know Sephiroth is heading to the Promised Land, but he doesn't have the Black Materia... Does anyone where the Promised Land is?

Aeris: OH!! I know! I know! I know! I- (Vincent pulls out his gun) Ok, I'll be quiet now..

Cloud: Ok.... so the plan is we'll meet in Icicle Inn, maybe they will know about the Promised Land.... (Cloud continues on and on, until the party falls asleep)

Cloud : So that's the plan!!! (spots everyone asleep) Damn it all!!

(Cloud starts his revenge..... bwhahahaha!!!!

1. He takes Yuffie's shuriken and hides it in the kitchen drawer.

2. He takes a cup of water and sticks Aeris' hand in it.

3. Cautiously with salad tongs, Cloud places a pink teddy bear and places next to Vincent.

4. He takes a sharpie and writes on Barret's gun-arm.

5. With a sewing kit, Cloud sews a heart on Cait Sith

6. Taking Aeris' ribbons, Cloud ties the bows in Red's head and puts curlers in his hair

7. With Aeris' make-up, Cloud gives Cid a make over and writes "Floozy" on his forehead with lipstick.

8. And last but not least, Cloud takes Tifa's favorite bra and stuffs it in the freezer.

Cloud : That should do it!!

The next day, Cloud waits in the kitchen for his party to wake up 

Cloud : A B C D E F G, gummy bears are chasing me. One is red, one is blue, one is stuck inside my shoe. A B C D E F G-

(Tifa walks into the kitchen) Goddamn!! (startled) Good morning Tifa...

Tifa : Hey Cloud!! I see you're practicing your ABC's again! (She walks up to the freezer and slightly opens the door) I'm in the mood for pancakes- (she discovers her bra) WHAT IS MY BRA (she slams the door) Doing in the freezer!!

Cloud : I don't know!!!!

Tifa : Don't make excuses, and how did you know this is my favorite bra!!?

Cloud: (blushes) Well, I bet you wouldn't have mind if Sephiroth took your bra, you'd be just fine with that!!!

Tifa: (blushes) Don't bring him into the picture!!

Cloud: See! You're blushing!! (Vincent walks in, tearing the teddy in two) Besides, it was Vincent!!

Vincent: Pink and cuddly are evil combinations.. (throws the shred to the ground)

Tifa: I can trust Vincent!! (Everyone wakes up, furious at Cloud)

Yuffie: WHERE IS MY SHURIKEN!!!!? (Cloud points to the kitchen drawer, she fumbled through and took it) Don't you dare steal my shuriken AGAIN!! (Her shuriken point was one inch away from Cloud's face)

Cait Sith : He tried to make me look cute!! (points at the sew on heart)

Red: You think that's bad (shows everyone his make over) I have bows on my ears!! (He shakes off the curlers and bows off him)

Barret: Look at whut that bastard wrote on my gun-arm!! (They all read, "You damn loser, you don't even have enough fscking balls to go back to your home town!!") I'll go Metal Gear Solid on his white ass!!

Aeris: I don't know what happened but I'm soaked!! (She was drenched in water)

Cloud: I only used a cup of water! What did you do?! (Aeris had a blank face)

Aeris: I don't remember.... (Suddenly, they heard Cid scream, they all hurry to the bathroom)

Barret: What the hell's wrong?! You didn't think Psycho was coming for you again, did you?!

Cid: No (He had his face covered) I'm starting to mutate, just like from "The Fly"!!

Vincent: Quit complaining, I'm worse.

Tifa: Mutating? That's a new one... And you know "The Fly" goes under the category of "Sci fi" not "horror"

Cid: Really?! Damn, then I've only seen 23 scary movies this week (Cid removed his hands and showed everyone his face)

All: Floozy.. (reading his forehead)

Cid: And I am not!!

Aeris: We should choose someone else to be the main character other than Cloud!! (Cloud flicks her off)

Tifa: The plot would be messed up!!

Red: That's a risk we'll hafta take!! (Cloud sighs) I call a meeting!

Everyone nodded and sat around the kitchen table, Cloud sitting at the far end of the table 

Barret: Cloud, the spiky headed bastard, is guilty of torturing your companions...

Cloud: Oh my god... this is stupid. (Aeris giggles and Vincent, who sat beside her, glared in disgust)

Barret: We sentence you not to be the main character anymore! (Everyone gasped)

Cloud: So? (He got up from his chair and left. Vincent, who found the head of the stuffed bear he ripped, threw the head at Cloud) Very funny...

Red: So Cloud has been voted off the tribe... ("Survivor" music in the background)

Cid: "Survivor"... what a good movie!! (sniff)

All: "Survivor" is a TV show!!!!!!

Cid: Then why is it sooooo long?! Answer that students!!!!

(Vincent throws the teddy bear arm at him)

Cait Sith: Any body wanna be the main character?! (everyone remains silent)

Cid: (heroic music in the background) (He takes a deep, but confident breath) I'll be the main character.

Barret- Sit down!! You are disqualified, you have no damn talent at all you fool!! (Cait Sith coughs "Black Simon", Barret threatens to shoot him) Any more? (Aeris jumps up)

Aeris: I wanna be the main character! I wanna ! I wanna! I wanna! I- (Vincent takes out his gun, places it towards her head, and pulls the trigger)

Vincent: Ok, another one disqualified, any other volunteers? (Everyone shakes there heads)

Tifa: Maybe Vincent can be that main character, I know I can't...

Vincent: Being the leader also isn't my style.. (Tifa goes down the row)

Red: I need anger management... sometimes.. (Cait Sith moves away from Red)

Tifa: Barret?

Cait Sith: No way!! He's a gangster!!!

Barret: Dammit! I'm the leader of the terrorist group against Shinra!!! (points to Cait Sith) But he works for Shinra!! Hell, we can't trust him!!

Tifa: Shut up!! (she turns to Yuffie) Yuffie?

Yuffie: Being the main character will endanger my shuriken 46 more!!

Tifa: So that's a no? (Yuffie grasps her shuriken)

Barret: What the hell!! Just make Cloud the main character again!! (Everyone agrees) Cloud! Get your spiky headed white ass down here!!

Cloud: Dammit! (He walks down stairs) I was watching the Family Guy Special!!!

Cid: You're the main character again!! But no more screw ups! One more time and we'll beat you and call protest against SquareSoft!!

All: Who the hell are they?

Cid: They created this damn game!! (walks up to the screen) You hear that?! You suck SquareSoft!!!

AT SQUARESOFT INC. 

Dude 1: Oh great, this is new.. (watches FF7 characters protest)

Dude 2: Why the hell are game character protesting?

Dude 1: Life these days are just screwed.. (He turns on the new and "Jackson: A Child Molester?" flashes on the screen)

Dude 2: Life is screwed.. It's too late for us.. (He takes the remote and turns it to Family Guy) Hey look! The Family Guy Special!!

Both: Life is good!!!

BACK IN THE GAME 

Red: I don't think they can hear us.....

Cid: But they can always hear us.......( Everyone stares) Soooo, who wants to watch Family Guy? (Aeris comes back to life)

Aeris: Family Guy, where?!

Vincent: Target practice (He pulls out his gun and shoots her in the stomach)

Yuffie: Ten points!!! (Cid turns on the TV and the new on Michael Jackson came on)

Cid: AHHH!!! (Cid jumps away from the TV) The HORROR!!! (A picture of Jackson flashed on the screen)

Cloud: It's ok Cid! Michael Jackson will never come for you!!

Cid: That's what they all say.....before it's too late!!

Tifa: That's it!! No more "Nightmare on Elm Street" for you!

Cid: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Will Cloud and friends found the Promised Land? How does Cloud know about Tifa's favorite bra, and will Sephiroth find out too?! And is Michael Jackson Cid's new fear!??!)

Cid: Real life is sooo scary..... (Beetle Position)

THE END..FOR NOW

What a weird episode, I was watching Family Guy while writing this....hehehe...

Michael Jackson is gonna be the next Freddy Krueger!!!!! I warn you all!!!!!!

NEXT EPISODE: "So, You've been to Hell and back, SHUT UP AND JOIN THE LINE!!!" This episode is when Cid drives everyone and the Highwind, (God, "Black Hawk Down" all over again...)


End file.
